Eight things that make sex scenes in eroge hilariously bad

Perhaps not all eroge is like this. I mean, I am no great aficionado.

Perhaps it is just that eroge takes cues from other types of porn that just seem desperately unnatural to me.

I do not know. But here is my list. Eight things that make sex scenes in eroge hilariously bad.



"Hey! Hey! Now that I clicked on 'Read more', I can see the url for this article!" I hear you cry. Ok, ok, I decided to add one more point after thinking about this article for a day. :)

1. Conversational turn taking. Visual novels let you read one line, push a button, read another line. That's how they work. If there is an interruption in dialogue in a visual novel, the character stops talking, the player pushes the button, then the interrupter talks. Now, this is normally fine for ordinary scenes and dialogue because when people chat, some form of turn taking does occur (though in reality it is a little different). But when this gets to a sex scene, this form of turn taking seems really really weird. There is no spontaneity, characters wait patiently to moan, then shut up while the other one is thinking or doing something. 
2. Ridiculous positions. I guess this is just... the artist has been told to make sure various body parts are on show in this still image that is going to serve for most of the sex scene... and so you get people (usually women) contorted into really unnatural, uncomfortable looking positions just so their lovely bits are shown at the right angle, regardless of how the picture looks overall.
3. Suddenly disappearing clothes. Visual novels usually only have a certain number of images, because the artist is only commissioned to draw a certain number of pictures. Sometimes this means that the characters get into really awkward sexual positions fully clothed, have a chat, and then their clothes miraculously disappear while in the same position, and they start having sex.
4. Suddenly corny dialogue. It's like one person writes the bulk of the story, and do a fantastic job, then you get to a sex scene and suddenly another writer takes over and they use weird language that might be standard for porn, but it's completely incongruous for the characters. 
5. And then I did this! And then I did that! This one isn't too hilarious, it's just a bit tragic. The people involved in most eroge seem to be terrible lovers. Almost everything they do is following a list of sex acts, the partner merely an object. Bam! Bam! Bam! Finish! ... and that is so unappealing. There is never the finesse of the good lover. No "ah, is that what you like? Well then...". Barely any "I could see this was having a good effect". No "left a bit- Oh! Ah! There!". None of the joy of discovery of having a new partner. Rarely acknowledgement of pleasure derived from seeing the enjoyment of their partner. It's all me, me, me, what can I take?
6. Bad foley. Sound effects that don't sound appropriate or natural. Metronomic repeating sounds that never end. Things making way more sound than they ought to.
7. Odd images of liquids. You know, supposed liquids where you think "did that person just emit globs of quick-drying gloss masonry paint?", or things like... images of people kissing with a string of cold saliva hanging between them, droplet hanging in the middle. I think that's supposed to look sexy? Makes me go "ewww" more than any other response.
8. When the following scene starts up like nothing happened. This happens a lot. Sex scene ends, then both characters go back to their normal clothed selves and behave like nothing happened. I don't mean like "it was meaningless to them", I mean like literally nothing happened. I guess this is so they can make "all ages" versions of games (which btw is a stupid phrase. People just use it to mean "with the sex scenes taken out so it can be sold on Steam or somewhere", but it can still contain horror and gore and things that, if the game had a film rating, would put it far above "all ages").